Dear Eric: I have been married to my husband since 2018, and we dated for a year before that. I had written in my dating profile “No Trump supporters” and my guy was perfect — a democratic socialist. We shared our progressive political views.
Somehow, due to the excesses of woke culture, particularly in academia where he works, and what he sees as excessive Covid lockdowns, plus a few other things, he is now firmly MAGA.
Nothing Trump does seems to bother him!
I am a social worker, and a lot of my work is with immigrants, and I am devastated by what is happening to these communities. I am devastated that my husband and I cannot talk about or agree about anything politically. I feel like I don’t know who he is anymore. Sometimes I don’t even know if I like him, even though mostly we don’t talk about these things. He is opposed to therapy, and I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.
— Dazed and Confused
Dear Dazed: Your letter causes me to wonder if there was enough of a foundation outside of politics before the marriage. But let’s, for the moment, work in the present.
I’m curious about why he’s opposed to therapy. Most of the time in a marriage, you’re not discussing the headlines. This isn’t to say that what happens in the news doesn’t impact our lives or that our opinions about the state of the nation don’t reflect our values. Quite the opposite. But ideally the substance of a marriage is those values and how they show up in the life you’re sharing.
Putting politics on the back burner for one second: what are you sharing now? If he agrees that what once united you, now drives you apart, he should either want to fix it or want to end it. But sitting in tension does nothing.
You write, however, that you mostly don’t talk about politics. Are the other conversations productive? What is good about your partnership? Do you feel like the marriage is working as long as cable news is off? Or do you struggle to respect him just knowing that he’s harboring these beliefs?
If it’s the latter, then couples therapy may not be the first step. Instead, you may have to do some soul searching in individual therapy and ask yourself if this relationship has changed too much from the relationship you envisioned and if those changes are non-negotiables for you.
Dear Eric: My eldest sister and I are in a quandary. We would like to celebrate my eldest and last surviving brother’s birthday on Thanksgiving, as that is his birthday and that is also the day before her birthday.
My brother and his family live scattered across the area. We have not been invited for Thanksgiving dinner or anything afterward. So, to the point, how do we broach the subject with a sister-in-law that has always profoundly hated the chaos that descended upon their quiet house when we had five brothers and sisters? In previous Thanksgivings, she would be in a huff the whole time.
How do we convince her and or her husband, my brother, to allow us to come in to celebrate his birthday and my older sister’s birthday on Thanksgiving or at least to arrive for cake and coffee after dinner?
I’ll be honest, it will be nice to be invited to Thanksgiving dinner as this may be the very last Thanksgiving dinner we will have as a family. As many other families are experiencing aging, so are we. Thoughts, suggestions?
— T-Day B-Day
Dear T-Day: While you haven’t been invited for Thanksgiving, there’s nothing stopping you from making travel plans to be in the area where your brother is and inviting his family to join you, either at a rental or a restaurant, to celebrate the birthdays.
There’s also nothing stopping you from requesting an invitation. Some might find it gauche; I’m not some. If you’re clear about your desire — to commemorate a holiday before it’s too late and to celebrate two birthdays — it helps to inform the request. And they can always say no.
You’re not bringing the same chaos that you did when there were more siblings. And even if you did, there are ways of respecting your sister-in-law’s needs and boundaries while still enjoying family time.
It all comes down to communication. It can be easy to assume that others know what we want, especially within a family. But it’s important to articulate our goals and be clear about what we hope the outcome might be. Your goal is to see and celebrate with your brother; the desired outcome is another happy memory. Say that and see what you all can work out together.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)